Positive Vibes and Mung Beans

Wednesday 14th January 2015

Shit! It's 2015! How the hell did that happen? Well I have some very good news (makes a nice change huh?) I had a routine appointment at the Lupus Unit on Friday (it used to be at St Thomas' Hospital in London and to be honest it was a bit run down but it's moved to Guys now and it's all shiny and new) anyway, I had my appointment and the doctor told me that all my blood tests (all 16) from my last appointment have come back perfect.  Yep, perfect! No dodgy things happening whatsoever. I have a normal cell count, my organs are functioning as they should, I have no inflammation and basically, I am ALL GOOD BABY! I was quite shocked to be honest but I have been really well for ages now so I guess that's why.  Lupus is fully in remission - I kicked that shit to the curb! Faye 1-0 Lupus. Mu har har har!! 

On a less positive note, (sorry) the doctor told me to take Aspirin everyday from now on as I have a high risk of having a stroke. Nice. It's very odd to be told at 29 years old you are likely to have a stroke unless you take precautions.  But hey ho! Nowt you can do about it, just listen to the doctors and don't worry about unless it actually happens.

Ooooh I have more good news - I started a new part-time job in Waitrose a couple of weeks ago and I am absolutely LOVING it!  To be honest I've wanted to work there for a ages.  When I was full-time and struggling to cope I wanted to apply for a part time job but then I deteriorated even more and couldn't work at all.  Once I'd taken time out, my health improved drastically and I felt ready to work again so worked one day a week with my bestie but I found the travelling and 9-5.30 day took it out of me and when I was planning the wedding it was all a bit much so I decided to stop.  Once the wedding was over I felt a lot better and more able to concentrate on other things so I started working in a friend's shop which I really enjoy and I'm hoping to continue doing so but I still liked the idea of working in Waitrose - it's a ten minute walk down the road, I like shopping in there and I love food/cooking and talking to people so it's a no brainer really!

I went online before Christmas and they had a Supermarket Assistant role going for Tuesdays and Fridays working from 11am-3pm. Perfect! So after doing the online application (which involves phsychometric tests) I got through the first round and was invited to a group interview with 7 others after which we had a 1:1 interview and were told we'd be contacted within a couple of weeks.  I was also made aware there were actually 2 jobs going, the 11am-3pm one and a night shift from 12am-8am. They asked me if I'd be open to that and I said yes (thinking that if I got it, I'd do it for a while and then hopefully change my hours once I'd got my foot in the door) they also told us the contract is only 3 months which is disappointing but a jobs a job at the end of the day!  Anyway I had a call 2 days later and they said they'd given those jobs to 2 of the others but they had an opening for a job behind the counters (meat, fish, deli, cheese etc) she asked if I'd like that and obviously I said yes, the only drawback is that its working Saturday morning and Sundays but again, I wasn't going to turn it down.  

So yeah, I started a couple of weeks ago and even though I didn't get the job I applied for, I think I've ended up with a better job as I am enjoying it so much.  There is so much to learn! For the first few days I was on the Meat and Fish counter and I learnt how to gut and skin fish, I also learnt a lot about different cuts of meat and how to cook different things and I've loved chatting with customers.  I'm looking forward to getting to the point where I can recommend products and recipes.  Then the other day I moved on to the deli and cheese counter which I also enjoyed - who knew there were sooooo many cheeses and salamis?
I've been doing overtime too which is nice - they have a sheet up with any extra hours going and you can choose which days you fancy doing, which is perfect for me, because if I'm feeling tired after my weekend shifts I don't have to do any other days but if I'm feeling OK then I can stick my name down.  I feel like it's the perfect job for me and the situation I am in.  I'd love to become one of their cheese or fish specialists or an advisor but it's only a temporary contract so I don't know if that will happen. One of the managers told me they are all really happy with me and he said he knows a good'n when he sees one and I'm a good'n. So that was good to hear. And I think I'm doing well with the customers - well, one sang to me the other day! Haha! And a few others have said nice things so I think I'm doing quite well so far.  Hopefully they decide to keep me on!

Not a bad start to 2015! 

After 3 months of marriage I can't tell you the amount of times people have asked when we are going to start a family. Grrr! Personally I think it's a very rude question to ask - especially someone with health issues like me.  In January 2013 we were told not to even consider trying for a baby because I was too unwell.  I was told my risk of miscarriage was extremely high especially later on in the pregnancy (grim isn't it?) however, all is well now and I've been told I am all good to go ahead (although I am still at a higher risk of miscarriage but not as high as before). At my appointment on Friday, the doc asked me how old I am and when I said 29 he gave me a leaflet regarding pregnancy and Lupus and practically told me to go home and get on it! I explained I've just got a new job and we only live in a small flat (on the 5th floor) so it aint happening just yet and to be really honest, I don't think Sami or I are ready - we are having too much fun!  However, it's no secret that I am extremely broody and have recently taken up the habit of welling up at cute babies but I am not ready yet.  I think the plan is for me to have a permanent job then we can sell the flat and buy a small house/bigger flat and then we might think about it. But for now, it's not on the agenda. If one more person asks I don't know how polite I will be.  Oh, and, 'How's married life?' Its the same! Nothing has changed! Nothing! Apart from my surname! Oh and the fact that Sami can't run away so easily now but that's it! Lord give me strength.

In other news, Mum and I have started Yoga and Pilates.  Mum has a heart condition and you know all about me with Lupus etc so we thought it would be a good idea.  We had our first session last week and both really enjoyed it.  I think I said in a recent Facebook status that I was hoping to get all 'Zen and bendy' but the next day I was feckin banjaxed! I was stiff as a board and couldn't laugh without it hurting my 'core' haha, not quite the image I had in my head.  In my head I was all floaty and softly spoken in a pretty kaftan with weird beads around my wrist. In reality I was walking around like John Wayne and making old people noises whenever I sat down or got up.  Hmmm maybe the bendy zen will come in time.

There's a Facebook thing going around at the moment where you change your profile pic to the first ever one you had.  Wow, I did not like doing it, it made me realise I've aged quite a bit in the last 8 years! I was like shit! I need to go get me some expensive anti-wrinkle cream that has words all over the packaging like 'amino peptide complex'.  I was feeling really shit but then I went to work and a colleague was shocked I was married and said I didn't look old enough. This made me extremely happy. Then I went to buy some wine (cos you know, I was sad about my crows feet) and the guy ID'd me.  This made me feel better and the wine became a celebratory bottle as opposed to a commiseration bottle. Perhaps I'm not so decrepit after all.

This has been quite a long post hasn't it? I hope I haven't waffled too much! I'm not at work today so thought I'd so something rather than just sit there watching Frasier.  I'm not planning on doing much else today though - I worked Saturday, Sunday, Monday and yesterday so its time to chill today.  It's quite nice now that I'm working I can relax guilt free. I always felt so bad before when I did nothing all day. I know I was ill but you still feel bad when your husband comes home knackered from working hard all day and you're there in yesterday's pyjamas with unwashed hair and all you've achieved is finishing the Sex and the City boxset (for the fiftieth time) but now I can have a day off without it being coloured in guilt.

Right now to do some hula hooping - I'm back on it after looking at old profile pics! Not only do I feel old but I also feel like a big fatty boofta. In my head I'm a 15 stone 60 year old. Hahaha. No point whinging about it - gonna go get some over-priced cream with complicated ingredients, do some hooping and get some mung beans for my post-yoga lunch tomorrow. Or Quinoa? Oh, something nutritious and weird.  And then I'm blatantly gonna be starving and binge on fried chicken and carbs! Loads of carbs! I'm really not cut out for this eat-clean shite. Eat chocolate and be happy. People on strict diets are so boring and highly annoying.  One of the those e-card things hit the nail on the head with 'No one likes a skinny, sober bitch anyway.'

On that note, I'm off.  Happy New Year to you all - I sincerely hope 2015 is a good one. xxxx

Slap me with a wet fish!

Saturday 16 November 2013

After a hellish week (I actually thought I died and woke up in hell at one point) I'm feeling loads better. I woke up on Thursday and felt great so ended up getting loads of housework done which also made me feel better and Lexie came over in the evening for dinner. All in all a good day and it felt good to be back to 'normal'.

I felt good yesterday too but decided not to do anything. I ordered a onesie on Thursday which arrived yesterday afternoon. I love it! It is seriously awesome! I bought it because apparently we have the coldest winter ever on its way and I wanted to be prepared (you can tell I was in The Cubs). I sat around in it (being fabulous) all day and in the evening Sami and I went to a pub in Wimbledon for our friend Jenny's birthday. We got home about 12.30am and I got straight back in the onesie! I'm scared I'll never take it off.

Here's me in my onesie....(it's a little bit big)


Look how happy I am

Today I'm going bridesmaid dress shopping with Ela - hopefully we'll finally find something. Its turning into a bit of a nightmare! My figure is all out of proportion and I'm very short so it hasn't been easy to find something that fits. I have big boobs and no hips! Grrr. Ela's wedding is in February so we don't have much time left.

After bridesmaid shopping I'm gonna come home and yes, get in my onesie! Thankfully I don't have plans to go out tonight - the besties gonna come round for steak and chips. Mmm steak and chips....

Sami's gone to Yeovil for a boys weekend (the boys being his house-mates from uni) so I've got the flat to myself. He goes on these boys weekends maybe 4 times a year but 2 of the lads now have babies so the weekends aren't as often as they used to be. Sometimes the wives and girlfriends go along too - usually camping which I hate!!! Why do people enjoy camping? Wtf is up with that? The last time we all went I told them its the last time. Its not for me. Anyway this time round its just the boys and they're staying at Phil's house so I'll be in bed alone tonight. Poor me.

Sami and I are one of those annoying couples that do everything together but I do think its good to have time apart. The longest we've ever been apart was when Sami went to America (with the boys) for 3 weeks. I missed him so much it hurt! At the time we'd been together around 6 months and it was then I realised I wanted to marry Sami and never be away from him for that long again. And now we are getting married! Yey!

I know I keep going on about it but this onesie is so cosy. I feel so content! I'm in bed, I've got a coffee, the heating on, I'm not in pain today and I'm the comfiest person ever. #lifeisgood!

If you ever feel down just buy a onesie.

I am a little hungover today actually, although I'm not sure why as I only had 4 beers! #lightweight. Must learn to limit alcohol intake.

Right, I'm off to get washed and dressed. Bridesmaid shopping!

Sunday

Bridesmaid dress shopping wasn't successful. The nightmare continues!!! I got home and back into the onesie and Sil came round armed with wine. We drank the flat dry and didn't go to bed until around 4am. Whoopsie! Must learn to limit alcohol intake.

Needless to say I'm slightly delicate today but overall I feel fine. All I've done all day is eat. I made myself a big cooked breakfast and when Sami got home I cooked us a huge paella with chicken, chorizo and prawns. Om nom nom. Love cosy sundays and stuffing my face.

I've been thrown out of the living room and made to watch TV in the bedroom. Sami couldn't handle anymore of my shows. First I watched Come Dine With Me then strictly come dancing followed by the X-Factor and when I put I'm a celebrity get me out of here on Sami couldn't take anymore. Sunday TV is the best!!! We usually spend Sundays at Sami's Dads so wouldn't usually watch all those things. Never mind I'm sure I've watched football enough times to make it ok.

So tomorrow I have no plans. What will I do? If I'm feeling ok I might clean the inside of the oven. Its not filthy but I haven't given it a thorough clean for a few weeks. We'll see. I should get out more really but I hate the cold, It makes me hurt. That reminds me, apparently we have the worst winter ever on its way. I'm scared! I've heard we're going to have 100 days of snow and its going to be much colder than usual. I'm seriously considering hibernation - I reckon I could do it easily. I've just realised I'd already mentioned the coldest winter ever is on its way! Bloody Lupus brain fog.



I love and hate winter. I love the feeling of being cosy, I love X-mas, I love snow, I love hot chocolate and marshmallows, snuggling by the fireplace, comfort food, wearing my onesie (not sure if I've mentioned that?) But I hate how the cold affects me now. Its like it gets in my body and beats me up. Plus everyone gets colds/viruses etc so I just end up constantly ill plus my Lupus gets worse in the cold so its a good thing I enjoy snuggling up really. At least I'm not one of those people who enjoys 'doing stuff' like rock climbing and hiking and stuff. I enjoy sitting down, eating and drinking wine.



Monday

Great. I've woken up with a sore throat, massive and painful glands in my neck, my ear hurts and I'm aching all over. Obvs some kind of cold or something.  When you have Lupus and you get a virus or a cold etc it makes the Lupus flare up so not only do I have a cold to contend with I also have a flare up.

Imagine how rotten you feel when you have flu - headache, nauseous, exhausted, aches and pains etc now imagine you've also been beaten up with a baseball bat. That's my life on a daily basis. Now throw in a cold to that mix and that's my life today. At least I have my onesie. Its gonna be one of those days.

I wrote all that at about 9am this morning, fell asleep and now its 2pm! Whoooops!! I just rang my Mum and she said she too has a sore throat and has struggled to stay awake. Lexie text me earlier and said she'd been sent home from work and my friend Amy put a status on facebook saying she has a sore throat so I reckon we've all got the same bug. Even now I'm finding it hard to stay awake.  Hate feeling like this - I haven't achieved anything today. I planned to clean the oven and all sorts! By the time I've had a bath and tidied up a bit it will be time to get dinner on. What a waste of a day!

I just had a bath and for some reason came over all sorry for myself. I was laying there thinking about how often I feel unwell compared to how often I feel OK  and it suddenly hit me that I will have Lupus and all the other things I have for the rest of my life. The.Rest.Of.My.Life. I feel really sad. I used to have so much energy and be so full of life. Now I'm like an old granny that can't even stay awake a whole day. Wow my life has changed so much.

OK, someone slap me with a wet fish and tell me to get a grip! Jeez Louise I can't be going down the feeling sorry for myself road. That's not a good route to take on this journey and a miserable face doesn't suit me. Right I'm gonna get up, make a cup of tea and think about all the reasons why I'm lucky.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

#nofilter

Thursday 12 September 2013

......Continued from yesterday

I've had to give in and take steroids because this flare is too much, its strong and relentless in its quest to destroy my day and my life.

For those of you with Lupus you'll understand why I hate the fact that I've had to go back on the steroids and for those that don't understand, I shall explain...I do actually have a post titled 'Steroids' which goes into their side effects a lot more than I will now but basically they are evil and must have been created by the devil himself. They help with flares and get them under control quite quickly but they mash you up in other ways.  They cause havoc with moods (I've been known to get a bit 'hulky')

they give you the appetite of a beast and just because you're not fat enough from all the beast like eating, they also make you retain fluid and where does this fluid hang out? Well your once slim face and belly so you look like a bloated mess.  Oh and there's more, they cause heart palpitations, insomnia, nightmares and if you are unfortunate enough to have to take them long-term, they can also cause osteoporosis and obesity and we all know the separate issues obesity causes. So, to sum them up they're bloody awful but at this moment in time, I've decided the flare is worse than all of the above and hopefully I'll only need to take them for a week but I'm still not happy. If steroids were a person I'd beat them up. And then I'd hug them.

Today the pain has been awful. Its been the worst day I've had since I gave up working. I am in so much pain I literally haven't been able to think. The only thoughts I've had are, 'ouch' and 'fuck!' I've slept a lot of the day but I'm sure I was dreaming I was in pain so I don't feel like I've had a break. The pain has varied from short, sharp stabbing pains (the kind that makes you yelp out loud) to just general aches but my WHOLE body aches. Literally from my head to the tips of my toes. The worst pain, randomly, is coming from just below my shins so walking is quite the challenge. Hence why I've been lying down all day! 

I seriously hope tomorrow is a better day - this pain is intense! I can't believe what I am going through. I actually can't.  On a scale of one to ten, one being standing on a piece of Lego and ten being ohmygod I've lost a limb and my heads fallen off, I'd say I'm at a seven today.  

I think the fact that the pain lasts all day long probably makes it feel worse than it really is, I don't know. Sometimes I'm in agony for weeks; you just don't know how long a bad day will last which also makes it difficult to cope with. 

People often ask me how I cope. The truth is, sometimes I don't cope. I have days when I cry and wail and wish it wasn't happening and I say things like 'Kill me! Someone just friggin' shoot me!' But strangely, sometimes when I'm at my most unwell is when I'm also at my most positive. Today for example, I haven't cried or Why Me'd or anything. I've just had a laugh taking the piss out of daytime TV, eating chocolate and although I've had a whinge on my blog, I'd say I'm generally in a good state of mind. How? I have no idea.  I wish I could tell you its down to this magic potion or a tablet but its not. I am fully aware of the shitness my illness brings to my life but I also have a lot to be grateful for and I guess I must just focus on those more than the pain etc of lupus/fibromyalgia.

I say this kind of shit to myself all the time:

I am a bit pissed off today but only because I like to get out and I've been stuck in the flat for 2 whole days.. and its a mess. I love it when its all clean and dust free and I can go for a walk. Obviously lying down all day gets a bit boring and I get that guilt feeling for sitting on my arse all day. But as I was writing that I said to myself, 'Well tomorrow is a new day and you might be able to get out and about.' That's what I do, if I feel or say anything negative I then say something positive to myself i.e. 'Urgh I'm in so much pain and today is really crap.' Then I'll say 'But tomorrow I will go for a walk and see my Mum' or, 'But there's a new episode of The Big Bang Theory on later' and I feel slightly happier because I have something to look forward to. I guess I am lucky I have a positive demeanour and outlook and perhaps that's what it is that keeps me going. 

Pain does wear you down and I think I lost a little part of me over the past year but I'm starting to come out of the other side now and I'm learning how to cope better. I feel more like me again. The good me that is, not the worn down, deflated and rubbish version I had started to become. For some odd reason I feel a lot more confident as well, like much more comfortable in my skin and with who I am. Its weird. I think I've got my mojo back. Lupus did wear me down but I've come back stronger. Lupus O-2 Faye. 

Mu har har har!! If Lupus was a person I would look at it, do a little dance, put my middle finger up and in a Chinese accent say, 'Fuck you, Mother fucka!' Then I'd walk away with my held high and leave it standing there feeling like a wanker. Lupus would feel embarrassed. Then I'd blatantly have to lie down because all that dancing knackered me out.

I'm a bit waffley today. I'm literally just writing as I'm thinking so this is probably a bit all over the place today - plus this is my second blog of the day?? What am I doing? Just think of it as being inside my head. You are actually in my head right now. 

I usually write all my shite and proof read and edit it but I'm just gonna post this one. Its like its raw. #nofilter  

I've taken a lot of pain relief today which might go someway to explaining why I'm sounding a bit crazier than usual. Hmm co-codomol and tamadol is the  good stuff.  I've heard weed helps chronic pain sufferers. Lol smoke some chronic for the chronic pain. Not sure how I feel about that. Maybe I'll give it a go and see! Or maybe not. I don't wanna be addicted plus I'm unemployed. I'm not sure I should be spending my benefits on drugs.  Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed now. I'm not even making much sense at the moment. 

G'night my loves. Xx 
Please feel free to send me a message if you ever have any questions or if you just need someone to talk to.  I like helping people. Xx

Today.....

The good news is I'm feeling slightly better, I'm still in pain but it's not as bad.  Hopefully I'll continue to improve as the day goes on.  

Sami was so sweet this morning and brought me a cup of tea in bed on his way out to work,  I even had to do a Facebook status about it because I thought it was so lovely.  It's the little things in life that make a big difference.  I feel all emotional this morning! How weird, someone come and slap me with a wet fish!

My plan for today is to clean the manky bathroom, change the duvet covers and hoover.  To a normal person that doesn't sound like a lot but to me that is a lot, I'll need a 20 minute nap after each chore.  I could ask Sami to do it but he doesn't get home from work until around 7pm and by then he's knackered.  At the weekend he helps out and when I'm poorly he does the washing up but now I'm not working I do the majority of the housework (when I'm well).  We have quite traditional roles really.  Oooh he ironed some shirts the other day - Sami NEVER irons! But to me (and this may sound controversial) I think its right that he doesn't.  Even when I was working full time I was responsible for all the ironing.  Sami wouldn't ask me to change a tyre or go out and fix the leaking roof on the garage and I wouldn't ask him to do the ironing.  It's just the way we are which might be a bit backwards but it works for us.  I'd love to be a proper little 1950's housewife!  Bit sad really that my only ambition in life is to be a housewife and have lots of kids! And a pug.

I've been using Estee Lauder Night Repair Serum for the past month and I must say it is seriously amazing.  I'm only 27 (and 11 months) so I don't have loads of wrinkles or anything but my eyes were starting to get a bit wrinkly and since I've been using the serum I have noticed a difference and my skin just looks better in general.  It's amazing and I highly recommend it.  It's pricey at about £45 but it works.  I love everything Estee Lauder, their foundations are exceptional and their mascara does what it says it does.  Just thought I'd let y'all know!

Ok, I had better  get some breakfast and start my chores.  Wow, I must be feeling better as yesterday I couldn't even conjure up the energy to go and make a bit of a toast!  Bad times.  I must not overdo it today though as I need to be feeling good tomorrow - it's mine and Sami's anniversary.  6 years he has put up with me for! We are going to go out for dinner somewhere nice, not sure where yet as it will probably depend on how I'm feeling and if I'm feeling really bad we will postpone until next week and the week after that we are off on our hols to The Maldives!!!! OMG its finally nearly here.  I am beyond excited.  Its so lovely to have something to look forward to.

Right I really must get going now.

Catch y'all laters xxxx

This hammock has my name on it......

DIEt

Tuesday 18th June
After all the recent bleakness, black clouds and boo hoo poor me stuff  I have decided I am going to sort myself out and get my shit together. 

Firstly, I need to lose some weight and that aint gonna happen whilst I sit on my lard-arse crying (well, that's if you can call wailing like a banshee crying) and eating huge bars of chocolate. So first of all I am going to ensure I go for a walk everyday - except the days I am unable to walk (obvs). Secondly, I am going to arrange a doctor's appointment in order to get counselling because let's be honest I need that shit. Then, I am going to get on top of the housework and stop all this fecking wallowing in my own self pity. I don't know how Sami puts up with me I really don't. He's an angel. My Angel.

Wednesday 19th June 
I'm feeling a lot more positive today after having a word with myself yesterday.  I've spent the day shopping with my Mum and bought myself a new white dress for Tonya's birthday drinks on Saturday. I got it home and noticed there are foundation stains on it. Including one right by the arse - it looks like I pooed myself!! So I have to take it back tomorrow. Never mind shit happens. But who puts foundation on their arse!?

I also tried on this cheap white dress and sent a pic to Sami saying 'Look, Sami, I've found my wedding dress' Heehee! He just laughed. Not sure he was too amused. 

Anyway it was nice to get out and spend time with my Mum, we had a lovely day and a nice lunch and now I'm sitting at home watching Sex and the City thinking I want to be as skinny as these skinny sluts. They are sluts aren't they? They all shag anything and everything that looks at them. Anything that even gives them a sideways glance.  In this episode Carrie is basically being dry humped against a wall by an old man she met 5 minutes ago. Wtf? she's in her 40's! You can't go around dry humping in public.  Anyway in order to be a size nothing with sticky outy collar bones I'm thinking of cutting out carbs. I can't believe how much weight I've put on recently. Sami told me to STFU and stop going on about it but I just don't feel right. To top it off my new tablets have given me the worst constipation ever (seriously, as if living with illness isn't bad enough you also get all these side effects from all the different meds) I think that might also be contributing to my feeling like a whale. A beasty, blubbery whale. Ok maybe I am being a bit silly. But I'd like to lose a few pounds and get back to my pre lupus diagnosis weight.

Wow, Lupus really is a biyartch and as for its mate Fibromyalgia well she's also a bitch and she can fuck off too. One day they will runaway together and I'll be pain free, energetic and bouncy like a bunny. One of these days I tell you.

Right no carbs for a week. Can I do this?  I WANT BREAD!!!!

Thursday 20th June
Shit motherfucker shit fuck!! I have woken up feeling battered. I am even having trouble writing this. My whole body feels bruised and tender and I'm aching all over. Shitting hell, one day out shopping = one day in bed.  It's the price you pay.  I totally need someone to come and sing 'Soft kitty, warm kitty' to me.  Anyone? No didn't so. 

I knew this would happen. Mum wanted to go shopping today instead of yesterday but I've got my old work friends Megan and Lexie coming over tomorrow so I said to my Mum let's go shopping on Wednesday instead and that way I get a day to rest before Megan and Lexie come over.  Its bollocks having to plan your life around an illness but I guess that's what I got to do now. That's just the way it is. I'm slowly learning how to pace my activities but I find it hard because I used to be able to do lots of things and now I can only do one thing a day and sometimes need to keep the next day free to recover!

Ok so my plan for today is to chilllllll.  I was going to start my exercise regime but I can't now because I'm in too much pain (I'm never going to lose weight at this rate) I'm going to get washed and dressed then probs nap as that will knacker me out then I'm going to sit on the sofa and relax. I feel like I've been run over. Twice. 

Must repeat to myself all day, 'No carbs, no carbs, no carbs.' 
I WANT BREEEEAD! 'No carbs, no carbs.'

Don't you think its funny the word die is in diet?? Hmmm says a lot really doesn't it.

You can't have the rainbow without a little rain

Obviously, when you have been a healthy person your whole life and one day you are diagnosed with a life-long and shitty illness a lot of things change and you enter a whole new world.  In my case I've entered a world where you appreciate everyday that you're able to get out of bed.  Just now I was really enjoying doing the washing up (I know!) because the hot water felt good on my stiff hands! AND it felt great that I was able to do the washing up.  Yipppeee!

Since entering this weird new world I have found a lot of things to be very strange indeed. For instance I remember being amazed that I have an illness that has a charity.  A charity. People actually jump out of planes and shit to help people with Lupus. Wow.

Another thing that is really weird, is even after two years I still find it difficult to swallow a tablet. 

Its so stupid.  I put it in my mouth and have a little argument with myself, "Go on! swallow it you twonk!" Then I'll go. "I can't! I'm scared!"  I almost have to pluck up the guts to do it.  This is EVERY night with all 12 tablets.  It takes ages.  Sami just looks at me like, "What are you doing you weirdo?"

Do you know he says I'm the weirdest person he knows.  He said I'm weirder than Sheldon off The Big Bang Theory.  That's just rude.  I'm not weird....Am I?

I remember being so sad that I'd never have a natural tan again.  For those that aren't aware, Lupus symptoms can be exacerbated by the sun and people with lupus can become very unwell after UV exposure.  Something to do with the sun making the cells move faster and triggering a lupus flare.  Skin rashes can flare up too.  So its factor 50 and the shade for me nowadays.

I decided to get a spray tan last summer to try and make myself feel better.  I will NEVER ever get one again.  It was so bad that when Sami saw me he actually screamed.

The salon is a good 20 min walk from home and I RAN all the way.  People were staring at me and one little girl said, "Mummy why did that lady paint herself?" I was BLACK.  So not a good look for a white English/Irish girl with fair hair.  I wish I still had the pic to show you but sadly I don't.

Those are just some of the odd things, I'm sure there are many more.

I do actually think I'm a nicer person now. Not that I was a horrible person before but I can certainly empathise more with people who have shit to deal with.  But then on the other hand, I'm a lot less tolerant   of (annoying) people.  Such as people who have no real problems at all that just moan and moan for no reason, I want to punch them.  I just wish I could say 'GO AWAY!'

BUT people who have never really experienced tough times do not understand how lucky they are.  So they don't realise how douchey they sound.

I remember when I used to have my hair done, if it wasn't perfect I would go MENTAL. Like 2 year old tantrum stylie.  Then when I was on the Azathioprine and my hair went really thin and started coming out I said to myself I will never moan about my hair again.  And I haven't.  But it took that for me to realise how stupid I was being.  People that moan about their hair as well. Ohmygod. I understand that they don't realise but still, sort it out will you.

So what I'm trying to say is that you can't have the rainbow without a little rain.  You need the shitty bits in life to make you realise how fortunate you actually are and to appreciate the good things.  Stop and smell the roses people.  They smell goooood!