18 Feb 2015

Lupus Playin Wid Da Wrong Bitch Yo!

Can you believe it's mine and Lupus' four year anniversary today?  Four years ago today that bastard changed my life forever.  If I'd have known four years ago what I was gonna go through I'd have probably shot myself.

Since then I've endured daily agony, I've lost and gained friends, I've hit rock bottom, I've taken more medication than I wish to count, I've spent the majority of the past four years in my bed or in my flat, I've had times of absolute despair when I've sat in the bath for hours crying and wailing, wondering how much more can a person take? I've cried more tears than most people will ever cry, I've debated with God (I'm not even sure I believe in God but desperate times and all that) I've had times when I genuinely thought I'd be better off dead because at least then I wouldn't be in pain.

Lupus is evil, random and stripped me down to my very core and as a result I am a completely different person now and funnily enough, I believe I am a better person.  I feel like after all that, all the pain, heartache (sometimes literally) all the shit times like being on chemo drugs and losing a lot of my hair, being on steroids and putting on weight, being in hospital, and having to give up my job because I couldn't cope, I feel like now I am building myself back up.  I lost a lot of confidence (which people who know me will know that's not something I ever struggled with before) and I didn't really realise until recently.  There were times when I wouldn't leave the flat for weeks and the only person I'd see was Sami, there were times when I just lied in bed all day long, hardly able to move with Jeremy Kyle and Facebook for company and times when I just felt so useless - what was my purpose? What was the point of me? Somehow I got through those dark days and managed to stay relatively sane and happy thanks to my friends, family, Sami and this blog but I don't think I realised just how crap it really was.  I mean obviously I knew it was crap, but I think I coped by telling myself it wasn't as bad as it was. Now that I'm working again (and loving my job) I've really noticed the difference in myself.  It's so nice to leave the flat on a regular basis!  It's great to be told you're good at what you're doing and its been really lovely meeting lots of new people and learning new things, as a result of this my confidence has definitely grown and I no longer feel useless.

I used to dread going to social events where there would be new people because I worried about what I'd talk about - people would say 'what do you do for a living?' or 'What have you been up to' and I'd say oh you know this and that or 'I'm planning my wedding at the moment' but the reality was 'I'm unemployed, on benefits and I lie in bed all day watching shite TV.' Or 'Today I slept for 10 hours then I woke up, cried for an hour and went back to sleep.'  Imagine the look on people's faces!

So what I'm trying to say is that after those very, very bleak times and losing a sense of myself, I am clawing my way back from rock bottom.  My confidence is slowly coming back and I can really feel the difference.  And although Lupus is really fucking shit, there are some positives in that I now appreciate much more than I did before and I think I'm a happier person because you don't take so much for granted, you value your time more, you realise you're not invincible, you learn who matters and whom you matter to.  Basically you realise there's a lot to be positive about.

The last four years haven't all been doom and gloom though, I also had the best day of my life when Sami and I got married and then we had an amazing honeymoon, we've been on various amazing holidays and my best friend got married so don't get me wrong, it's not all been bad but I still think I would've shot myself four years ago if I'd have known what I was in for.

I wonder what the next four years will bring?  I'm not sure I want to know. All you can do when you live with a chronic illness is take one day at a time which is such a cliche but I totally get why people say stuff like that now - because it's true and it's one of the best ways to cope.

Life is good at the moment - as I said earlier, I'm really enjoying my job and working part-time enables me to maintain a good work-life balance. Everyone is so nice and I'm just loving it.  Married life is lovely and we are hoping to sell our flat and buy a little house once I know whether I have a permanent position or not as I'm only temporary at the moment but we shall see what happens!

I promise my next post will be more entertaining - I'm not on form today as I'm knackered!  I just had to mark the 4 year anniversary and it was actually quite nice to have a little think about it all and to be able to say I'm finally coming out of the other end. Lupus aint beating this bitch.


No comments:

Post a Comment