Monday 11th March -
Today was shit. I woke up later than usual with a raging headache - one thing I don't usually suffer from is headaches. I didn't have time to wash my barnet and this makes for a very grouchy Faye and I'm aching all over.
I got to work, in pain, tired and moody - I think I had bitch flakes for breakfast or something.
I felt down all day today. I had a very long and very overdue cry on Friday. Well, I say cry, it was more like a mental break down...a wild animal having a mental breakdown. It needed to be done though. I think I cried solidly for about 3 hours. I literally thought I'd never stop. But it did feel good. I cried so much that when I caught a glimpse of myself my first thought was 'omg I look like a back-room crack whore'. My face was mashed up.
I very rarely get upset like that. I cry my head off watching one born every minute and over the ads with the poor, sad and overworked donkey but I don't cry about Lupus.
When I was crying, I mean wailing like a banshee all I could think was 'fuck this fucking shite! I've got to live with this for the rest of my liiiiiiiifffeeeee'
I've managed to pull myself out of that little hole now and I slept from 12pm till 5.30pm (after a whole nights sleep) I think I was just exhausted from being so sad. If that's what depression feels like then I really don't fancy going down that road. I am so glad I don't often feel that way. It's bloody hard work! Much easier being happy. I actually got so down that I had to turn the telly off because everyone on it was too 'jolly'. To jolly? who uses the word 'jolly'? Me apparently.
well after my episode on Friday and my marathon sleep on Saturday, Sami made me get up and get dressed (he doesn't pander to me) and we went round to our mate Tom's house. We had pizza, drank wine and for a few hours I forgot my woes.
Yesterday was Mother's day so I went and saw my lovely Mummy for a bit, I bought her a nice bracelet which she really loved. After that we went round to Sami's mums house and saw her for a bit too. Our mums are amazing women. My mum had a series of mini strokes a couple of years ago was diagnosed with heart disease. She had a couple of operations and has to take quite a lot of medication for life which makes her tired so we can really relate to each other.
Sami's mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. She had a shit load of chemo, radiotherapy and a mastectomy. She's a tough cookie - never moans (not like me). Sami and I are very lucky to have such strong women in our lives. Poor Sami really has had a lot to worry about.
Sami's mum and I were actually in hospital at the same time once. I felt so sad knowing he was home alone and knowing that he must have been so worried really made me feel sad. I don't know how he copes. If I had to see him going through the pain I do, it would kill me. I'd be the one with the illness any day of the week. He's so good and so supportive and he doesn't let me get silly like on Saturday when he made me get up and get ready to go to Tom's. I put up a fight but he didn't have any of it.
Sometimes I try to get out of things like the washing up and I say 'oh but I've got lupus' He don't fall for it.
He also didn't fall for me telling him I can get a guide dog. I'm not sure about the dog but I can register myself as blind - my eyesight is that bad! So in my eternal quest for a pet dog I told him I'm eligible for a guide dog. He weren't having any of it! Damn him. Something about other people needing them more. I dunno.
Well I think I've babbled enough for one day. Although, I feel a bit better now - this is like therapy. I still want to stab today in it's face though.
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