27 Mar 2013

This is not a 'rash' decision

Wednesday 27 March 2013

Well, after my chest rash yesterday I felt worse and worse as the day went on.  Last night was horrendous and pain filled again.  

Alicia Keys song has just come on 'This girl is on fiiirrre' well I can tell you, this girl is actually on fire.  My skin is burrrrning.  I feel like I've got sun burn! My knees are inflamed and I can barely put weight on them.  Needless to say I am not at work today =0(

Talking of work, I have made the very difficult decision to give up.

For those of that read my blog regularly you will know how unwell I've been.  For those of you that don't, I have basically been really ill since November.  It literally hasn't stopped.  One crappy thing after the other.  Infections, flare ups, more infections, horrible rashes, the lot.  I haven't done a full week at work since Christmas - and I've finally admitted to myself  that I'm just not coping anymore.  It only look 3 years.

I did consider going part time but I knew my boss would say no and after giving it some thought I realised that part time is not the answer.  I've decided I am going to hand in my notice tomorrow, I'll work my notice and take a few months out.  I am going to rest properly without feeling guilty about not being at work.  I'm going to concentrate on me and my health.  After a few months I'm hoping to ease myself back into work by getting a part time job.  Hopefully locally.  I don't want to be out of work forever but I can't work full time anymore.

So that's it really.  I'm giving up work at 27.  How sad is that?  Only last year I was thinking about the direction in which to take my career and now I'm not going to have one.  I feel sad but I've given this a lot of thought, Its not a rash decision (excuse the pun) and it's not something I'm taking lightly.  I will miss my job, my colleagues and even my boss but I've got to think about me and my well being.

I didn't tell anyone I was thinking about  giving up (not even Sami) but yesterday I decided for sure enough is enough.  This decision was helped by the week I've had.  
I came home and told Sami how I was feeling and he said he can't see me live like this anymore he fully supports any decision I make.  That was the green light.  I was all prepared to go in this morning and chat with my boss but unfortunately I couldn't physically get out of bed so I couldn't go in. Damn!

Looks like I'll have to do it tomorrow which is the last day before the Easter break.  I really hope I can, I just want it over and done with now.

When I was first diagnosed with Lupus, I truly believed it wouldn't effect me.  I said to myself 'ok, you've got this illness but it's not going to stop you doing anything'.  I was so very wrong.  It hasn't beaten me just yet, I'm just having a break from fighting it for a while.

I feel a sense of relief and it helps that all my nearest and dearest support me.  
My best friends have said they think its the right thing to do, my mum and dad said I'm doing the right thing, they would never encourage anyone not to work but they've seen what I go through.  They've seen me suffer for the past 3 years whilst trying to hold down a full time job and keep it together.  They know I've tried so they also said they support me.  I am really lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  I really am.

My mum said 'Lupus has changed your life dramatically so now you have to adapt and adjust your lifestyle accordingly'.   
Wise words from the ol' mothership there.

So wish me luck guys.  I'm scared! I'm entering a whole new world and a whole new phase in my life.  It's weird but I know its the right thing to do. =0)

Thanks for reading! xxx

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