29 Apr 2013

No rhyme nor reason

Monday 29th April - evening 

I was so tired when I got in from work I burst into tears.  Sami gave me a big hug and I felt so much better.

I was ok at work until around 3pm when the fatigue hit me. I felt an intense wave of tiredness and I was actually going to leave work early (I never leave early) but silly me, I didn't have my keys. so I waited for Sami to pick me up and got home and cried my little eyes out. 

I'm currently lying on the sofa with a hot water bottle on my elbow which started hurting this morning and has steadily got worse as the day has gone on. It was a dull ache earlier and now its fucking killing me. Its like a stabbing pain every few seconds. And each time it makes me yelp out loud. I sound like a small dog.  I'm surprised the neighbours haven't come knocking asking what the hell is going on up in here!!

I blamed myself because I went out on Saturday night and I wondered if that might have brought this on but I was fine all day Sunday so it seems weird.  Plus I didn't go out Wednesday and I was a mess on Thursday and as for Friday - wow that was bad... 

Sami said to me, 'Don't blame yourself! Its lupus its unpredictable and random. It's not your fault'. So I'm not sure, I can't really win, I chilled on Wednesday and Thursday and I was really ill on Friday - so what am I supposed to do?  I felt good on Saturday so wanted to enjoy myself whilst I had the chance...and now I'm possibly paying for it!  I don't know - but in a nutshell I can tell you living with a weird and unpredictable illness is shite.

You can't help but try to pin it all on something. We all need to hold someone or something responsible when things go wrong. We need a reason for everything but lupus doesn't come with one.  It just happens. You can relax all week, eat well, drink water, take vitamins, sleep loads and still wake up feeling like shit. And then you can go out on the town till 4am and wake up the next day feeling fine. It just doesn't make sense and I still can't get my head around it all.  The only thing I know for sure is I should rest when my body tells me to. Like today for example,  if I'd have come home at 3pm for a rest (when my body told me to), I doubt I'd be in this much pain right now.  I find when I push myself and don't listen to my body my symptoms just get worse.

This pain is horrendous. Its actually making me feel nauseous. And since I started writing this the pain has just got worse and the tiredness is unbearable. I'm going to have to go to bed. There's nothing else I can do. 

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