23 May 2013

Cabin Fever

Wednesday 22 May 
OK, so I'm hungry & need a wee but I can't physically get out of bed. What the feck am I gonna do? Starve and wet myself? Shuffle on my bum to the bathroom like a dog with an itchy arse and risk carpet burn? Or call the fire brigade? Need to put a fridge next to my bed and buy some Tena Lady next time I go shopping...

I am in so much pain today. I think its one of my worst days ever. I can't believe how much I hurt. All over. Stabbing pains. I'm actually crying with the pain. I don't know what to do with myself. This is a living nightmare.  I've just called a doctor and he has given me a prescription for some morphine. Sami's going to collect it and pick it up for me on his way home from work. I hope it provides me with some relief. Fuck knows I need it.

I can't even think. My brain feels all foggy and fuzzy. Lupus is being super mean to me.

I took some morphine an hour ago and its not working. I'm still in pain. What the hell I must have a seriously high tolerance for pain killers. I'm considering crack next. Or is that a bit too far? I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do.

I did have some good news today that made me smile - Sami's sister Ela got a new job.  She is a primary school teacher and was looking for a new job to be near the house she has recently bought with her fiance David.  I was so miserable today and this made me very happy.  Well done Ela. xxx

Also, my best friend has finally set a date for their wedding! I'm so excited - 24th May 2014 so almost exactly a year away! I am maid of honour so I've got lots to do.  I cannot wait.  Sil and Michael are MADE for each other and I can't think of two people more right for one another (apart from me and Sami of course) so it's just mega exciting.  I think this will keep me going in my dark days.  I can look at wedding stuff and hen do ideas etc.

Thursday 23 May 

Not long woken up and feel pretty much the same as yesterday. Woke up a few times with the night sweats but I feel like I had a good nights sleep - the morphine must have had some effect.

I have recently become friends with a lady called Joy, she too has lupus and I was very sad to discover today that she has been admitted to hospital with kidney failure and is in a critical condition. Get well soon Joy. Prayers and love to you. Xxx

Lupus is evil and relentless in its quest to destroy everything in its path.

So this is my third day in bed and I'm starting to feel like a hermit.  I'm watching This Morning and I feel like Holly and Phillip are my friends.

I've been stuck indoors too long.  Sami has been busy every night after work so I'm feeling quite lonely! Sil has offered to come round but I've just been in and out of sleep and the morphine made me a bit sleepy so I said its OK. I don't wanna make people come over when I'm asleep! Sami's home tonight so that will be nice. He just has this way of making me feel better. God that sounds so clingy! I'm actually not.  Well maybe a little bit.

I just got up to brush my teeth and I couldn't even stand up long enough so I had to sit on the toilet. I then went to make myself a cup of tea and wow, my knees do not want to support me today, I had to lean on the counter. So now I'm back in my bed. Bored of it now. I want to go down the road and get some fresh food for dinner and maybe bake a cake but my mashed up body is saying no. Stupid body.

Ah well, at least the weather is shit. If it was beautiful and sunny out I would cry. At least I can snuggle up and listen to the rain.

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