Wednesday 7 August 2013
Feck! Fecking, feck, feck! My body is in a bad way. I am in so much pain. My blood has needles in it. Death by a thousand needles. Its the only explanation for this level of pain throughout my whole body.
I woke up feeling shit, which is nothing new but instead of the pain and stiffness slowly subsiding throughout the day its steadily got worse. I was almost in tears earlier but I forced myself not to cry because I feared I'd never stop!
I'm struggling to type this as I've had to put my arm in a sling - the pain in my right elbow is excruciating like its been beaten with a bat or something. Its also red and swollen which would suggest this is a lupus flare as opposed to fibromyalgia pain. I think I'm currently experiencing both. My own body is beating me up.
I fell asleep earlier from 2pm until 6pm - the tiredness was intense, I literally couldn't keep my eyes open and I tried really hard! I forgot how horrendous the pain and fatigue can be. Jeeeeez louise its unbearable.
Oh great, now my body has thrown in some muscle spasms for good measure. Seriously, body? Seriously!???
I'm so desperate to exercise but this week has been a complete write off. I haven't even left the house. That's really not good. I can feel my jelly shaking! Talking of jelly, I tried on my new bikinis for my upcoming holiday and when I looked in the mirror I thought, 'Hmm you don't look bad but you could look better.' Then I decided not to be too hard on myself as I'm having a shit enough week as it is. So hopefully in a few days I'll feel better and be able to do some exercise and shed a few pounds.. And if I don't? Oh well it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Shake what yo' mama gave you and all that!!! Although my Mum is like a size 6 so not sure where I get all my jelly from. Looool.
When I feel really ill like this I'm just going to try and focus my thoughts on lovely things like going on holiday in 8 weeks time. At least if I'm in pain there I'll have Sami for company, the sea to relax in, beautiful sunsets to sit and watch and no housework or cooking for 2 whole weeks! Yeeeey. Ah, I don't feel as depressed now.
Right, on that happy note I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll get a good nights sleep. Na-nights xxxx
Thursday 8 August
Did I sleep? No I did not. Well maybe for a few hours but that was it. Every time I turned over I woke up with the pain and before I fell asleep I spent a good hour lying in bed with anxiety attacks. So annoying - just as I'd drift off to sleep I kept thinking I wasn't breathing and panic. Its such a horrible and bizarre feeling because obviously you're not just going to stop breathing for no reason. That's like me saying I'd just stop loving shoes. I mean that just aint gonna happen! I tried breathing slowly and deeply and thankfully it worked. So weird.
love my shoes....
This is taking me ages to type because of the pain in my elbows, its actually excruciating. Another day in bed it is then. How utterly depressing. Feeling a bit sorry for myself today - can you tell?
On top of all this pain I'm also boiling hot. My chest is even redder than usual and Sami said he could feel the heat coming off me without even touching me, I reckon you could cook an egg on me. Lupus is a proper bitch - just when you think you've had enough it unleashes more of its poisonous venom.
Gonna go and have a bath to help soothe these joint pains and muscle aches and get back into bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, it better be as I've got a night out planned!