14 Aug 2014


Wednesday 22 July 2014

Hi guys!

I haven't written for a month now which is the longest I've ever gone (I think) but basically I've been dying. Ok, maybe not dying (I can be slightly dramatic) but I'm not sure how else to describe the horrors that be my life of late.

Since the last time I wrote I've pretty much been in a flare. The MOTHER of all flares.  This flare was on a new level.  It wasn't even a Lupus flare it was a Fibromyalgia flare.  I think up until this week I've slept for most of the day plus the whole night.  I have struggled so much to stay awake and at one point I was in so much pain I almost admitted myself to hospital because I didn't know what else to do.

Sami was at football one evening and I called my Mum crying so much she got my Dad to come and pick me up (good ol' Daddy) and I stayed there for 2 days just so I wouldn't be on my own whilst Sami was at work. If I'm honest, I wasn't coping and I was scared. Really scared. I was saying to myself, 'How can I cope with this any longer? How am I actually supposed to live this way?' I felt like I couldn't.  Two whole weeks of constant and unrelenting pain plus exhaustion really fucking takes its toll on your sanity.  I tried to blog about it but writing it all down made me realise how shit it really is and I couldn't type the words without sobbing like a maniac so I stopped, went to my parents and took some time out.  I'd almost call it a mini-breakdown.

As you all know, I deal with a lot of pain etc but it rarely gets me down to the point where I question whether or not I can carry on like this but this time I'd really had enough. Thank god for parents eh?

So right now I'm a lot better.  The flare seems to be on it's way out now and my sanity has been restored but I'm still napping a few times a day which is annoying. All I want is to be a fully contributing member of society instead of someone who naps a few times a day, goes to work once a month and pretty much does nothing else!  I don't mean to moan but Jaysus Christ can you blame me?!

On the bright side, I am very grateful to have Sami who is a real life angel.  He looks after me so much, never moans and he spoils me rotten!  I'm so glad we have each other and I'm so glad I get to marry him soon.  An example of how sweet he is, is when he bought my wedding shoes for me a few weeks ago.  To cut a very long story short, I've had my eye on some very special shoes for many years now and the day I got my wedding dress, Mum and I went to Liberty in London and I saw these shoes in real life.  I tried them on only dreaming I could have them one day and after trying them on I fell in love with them even more but never thought I could have them.  Mum and I carried on with our day but I couldn't stop thinking about them and to make it worse they were perfect for my wedding dress - it's like they were made for my dress!  I said to Mum 'I have to get them! I have to save up and have them!' and she told me I should think about it as they are so expensive.  After sleeping on it, I decided that yes they were too much money and I should look else where.  I bought a lovely pair of typical bridal shoes but after a few days I decided they were too bridal and boring and they just weren't me so I sent them back. I then bought some other shoes online but they didn't fit properly.  I bought a third pair but there weren't comfortable so I decided to save up and buy 'The shoes'  I saved hard and once I had the money Mum and I went up to Harrods to get them and on the day Sami gave me his credit card and said, 'Here you go, darling, go get your shoes.' I said 'What? omg! No, I can't accept this!' But he insisted and said I can't buy my own wedding shoes and he'd like to treat me.  Well, obviously I took it and went!

Quite a few people have said it was ridiculous to spend so much money on shoes but I don't care. I tried other shoes but they weren't right.  To me, the shoes were almost as important as the dress because I am passionate about shoes.  I've loved shoes for as long as I can remember so it was important to me to have the most amazing shoes on my wedding day.  And to be quite frank, I have had so much shit to deal with in the past few years and if these shoes make me happy then why not?  I'm not usually shallow or materialistic so eff it!  Some couples buy expensive things for each other all the time or go out for expensive meals or buy jewellery but we tend to just do little things for each other like Sami will come home from work with a chocolate bar and a shitey magazine or I'll run him a bath when he gets in from football.  I don't expect him to buy me expensive things but on this occasion I think he realised how much I loved these shoes and he wanted me to feel amazing on our wedding day so he got them for me.  I'm even justifying it now but I'm kind of fed up of justifying it because with regards to the wedding we haven't spent fortunes at all, we've made lots of things, negotiated discounts and our reception is in a pub so if I want to be extravagant with the shoes then why not.  Plus I'll wear them again and cherish them forever! They're my babies!

It's things like that which make me realise I shouldn't moan at all. If I wasn't ill I think I'd have the best life ever! But then my illness makes me realise how much I have to be grateful for so it's all swings and round-a-bouts really isn't it?  Some people really don't know how lucky they are.  God what I wouldn't give to wake up with my health back!  If you are reading this and are healthy please count your blessings and realise how wonderful that is.

Ok have I waffled on for long enough now?  I'm falling asleep, I shall save this and continue tomorrow.

Na night xx

14 August 2014

Well, that was bloody ages ago! Once again I haven't written in almost a month.  I'm only really just coming out the other side of that nasty flare.  I had a few good days here and there but it's mostly been bad.  I went back to work last week for the first time in ages so that was nice.

I've had quite a frantic week but today I am looking after my friend's pugs, Charlie and Stanley.   They are so cute! for those of you who know me you will know how mad I am about pugs so to look after 2 for the whole day is a treat! They're asleep and snoring at the moment and it's making me feel very sleepy too.

Think thats my queue for nap time!

Be back soon! xx

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