Sjogrens and Shoes

Thursday 21 March 2013

The sjogrens syndrome (pronounced Sho-grens) has come out to play today. My eyes are sore and dry and my vision has gone a bit blurry which is now giving me a headache because I'm squinting like some sort of pirate.

Last night was a baaaad night. I had a nice evening, went and saw my parents for a bit then went home, everything was fine and dandy until I got into bed and oh wow the pain started. I call them ‘lupus pains’ because they’re like no other pain I’ve felt before. They vary from a dull ache to sharp, shooting pains or really stabbing pains. Last night it was the 'stabby' kind, in my toes, knees and elbows. I also had muscle spasms in my thighs which were painful too. I managed to get to sleep and thankfully didn't sleep too badly. I only woke up twice with the sweats – a good night for me.

OHMYGOD I want to rip my eyes out!! ARRRRRGH! It feels like I've got sand in them.

I'm writing this at work in my lunch break…. The boss is out and I'm the only one in today – It’s lovely and peaceful! Although I wouldn't want to be on my own all the time.

I can’t be bothered to go and get lunch It’s too cold outside and as you may know, I’m extremely lazy. I got a cab to my mums house last night. How bad is that? She lives a short bus-ride away from work but I just couldn't be bothered with the bus. I hate buses. I need to learn to drive. Buses are just soooo annoying. Without a doubt there is always that one person who smells, the screaming child, the person chewing loudly and the weirdo that stares at you. What is up with that?

I’m not sure what to do about my job. I've got some major decisions to make.

I work as an office manager at a small drainage company (glamorous hey) It’s nice and local and pretty much stress-free but some weeks I just feel like I can’t cope...I haven't really been coping for the past three months.

In the summer I was fine, I was hardly unwell at all which is weird because the sun can exacerbate lupus symptoms and can make you seriously ill so no more sun bathing for me. That was one thing I cried about when I was diagnosed – I will never have a natural tan again (and I HATE fake tans) so I'm going to be pale and blotchy forever. Anyway yeah, so I just don’t know what to do. I’d like to cut down my hours but it’s not really feasible as there is only two of us who are full time and then there’s another girl who works part time. It would mean Nicola being here on her own and it’s not really fair. I’d like a part-time job but I can’t really leave where I am because I'm so unwell and with it being local and stress-free it doesn't really make sense to leave. Plus I like it here.

My cousin suggested I go to the Citizens Advice Bureau so I think I’ll do that this weekend. I recently found out Lupus is considered a disability so I should be entitled to some benefits. I wonder if I'll get in the cinema cheaper...

It’s tough. I'm only 27 and I feel like I can’t work full-time. I should be well on my way to having a proper career by now but instead I have to think about hardly working at all.

Thinking about this has put me on a bit of a downer now…. I'm going to look at some designer shoe websites…