17 Apr 2013

Today I am in a dark place

A lot of people say when they read my blog they love how positive it is.  Well today is not.  Today I am in a dark place.  I don't often go to this dark place but when I do, I have no choice but to embrace it.  When you live with a chronic and painful illness you can't always be happy and positive - that would be weird and just plain old inhumane.

So whats wrong wtih me today? Well I went to work yesterday and was fine for most of the day until around  3pm when I got a headache.  I got through until 5pm and when I got home it got worse and worse. It was agony.  I've never had a migraine before and rarely get headaches so I don't really have anything to compare it to but it hurt too much to open my eyes so I would say it was quite severe.  

I went to bed at 7pm and slept alllll night until 7am this morning.  I woke up and the only way I can describe how I felt is like I had been beaten up in my sleep.  EVERY muscle and joint hurt and I felt too weak to move.  I tried to prod Sami to wake him up but I literally had NO energy.  It was weird.  I just lay there, lifeless.

I texted my boss and said sorry but I can't come in today and went back to sleep.  It's all I can do when I'm like this.  Sami (reluctantly) went off to work - I don't think he likes leaving me on my own when I'm like this.  To be honest I don't like being on my own but what can he do?  

It's now 11.39am and I've not long been awake since going back to sleep at 7am this morn.  I feel like complete and utter shite.  My body is hurting.  I'm weak, aching all over, I've got muscle spasms, sharp shooting pains in my knees, chest and back and my head is pounding.  I'm writing this with my eyes half open.

I was only saying yesterday that I'm lucky and even though I have a fucktard of an illness its not as bad as other things in the world.  But that mentality has gone today.  Today I am  thinking, 'What the fuck did I do to deserve this?'

I know people who get a cold and get depressed (including me) so imagine how it feels to be unwell and in pain for months like I have been. Seriously when will this end???? When will I feel better? Will I EVER feel better?  Right now I can't imagine not being in pain.  I've forgotten how that feels.

I can't comprehend the fact that there is no cure for this illness.  I have to cope with this for the rest of my life.  Lupus has taken over and there's NOTHING I can do about it.  I have no control over my body. I just have to accept it and get on with it.  OK so maybe I wont always feel this bad but I'm never really going to be healthy again. That is a daunting prospect.

Typing this is really hard, I feel so weak. I can hardly press the keys.  I think I'm just going to hide under the covers and try to forget about the world.

Lupus I despise you.


  1. I am so sorry you feel this way...I am one of those persons who admire you because of you optimism. I am quite the opposite-constantly complaining because I have very few good days. It's depressing to be so sick all the damn time. It makes you angry. Every once in a while though, I find comfort in knowing someone out there knows what I am feeling and I am not the only one with this fucktard of a disease. Sorry, that sounds bad that I am glad someone else is suffering but it can be lonely and downright depressing to see everyone around me going about their business while I lie in bed for days. Then they look at me with disappointment when I don't go to work or don't want to go out to "do something" or "get some air" as if I choose to be sick. If I have to say, "It's not that I don't want to, it's THAT I AM SICK" I am going to go crazy and start cussing everyone out!

    Well, thanks for making me feel better and giving me a new word: Fucktard. Yesterday my fucktard of a "boss" came by my classroom and asked me if I was planning on showing up to work next week during testing (I had been out for two day in the hospital because a student tripped me and I fell on my face). I looked at her and wanted to punch her but instead I said, "You know, I came to work on Friday on a student tripped me; I didn't choose to be out!" What a fucktard!

    Feel better! Hey, at least you look great!

  2. Thanks Claudia - fucktard is a good word isn't it?!

    i am sorry to hear you are surrounded by fucktards! some people just don't get it. and they never will. Just learn to put yourself first....thats what i do now...and if people dont like it? OH WELL! I dont care! My happiness comes first now cos I dont have my health and without my happiness then where would I be??

    Not feeling happy today but hey I'm human. Tomorrow is a new day.