14 May 2013

Good Morning Lupus!

Tuesday 14 May 2013 

Me - 'Good morning Lupus!'
Lupus - 'Good morning Faye. I'm here to fuck you up today'

Head pounding, body aching, brain not functioning.  All on the day I agreed to go to work. I can't do it. I've told my boss I'll try and come in tomorrow. To be honest the new lady talks so much she's only going to make my headache worse. Its one of those headaches where you can't look up without it hurting. Think I'll just stay in my cosy bed today (away from talkative people).

Currently typing this on my phone in bed with my eyes barely open. Just can't seem to wake up. I'm not in pain as such just feels like I'm coming down with a cold which can make you feel bloody awful when you have lupus, even if you don't it can make you feel pretty darn shitty. 

I'd normally struggle into work but now that I don't have to I decided not to. 

Sami is so sweet he said in his best stern voice, 'You're not going in unless you are 100 percent'. Bless him. I'm so lucky he is so supportive. He never makes me feel guilty. He is such an amazing human being.  If Carlsberg made blokes...

Our friends Jen and Matt recently got engaged and I'm soooo happy for them. She has been wanting him to propose for a while so it was so nice to see her so happy at the weekend. Her ring is stunning. I can't wait for their wedding. Its so nice when two people are so right for each other. They make a wonderful couple. Jen sent me a text this morning saying, 'I was just thinking about wonderful you are, thanks for being so happy for me.' How sweet is that? I was VERY excited about it all....

Check out the bling-a-ring...

Inevitably at the weekend Sami and I were questioned about marriage. We are only 27 and I still feel really young. Don't get me wrong I definitely want to marry Sami but I'm so happy right now its not a major priority. I've told Sami I'd like to get married when we are 30. That just seems like the right age to me. If Sami proposed to me now obviously I'd be over the moon but I think we are both on the same page regarding feeling too young at the moment. 

It gets a bit tiresome constantly explaining yourself to people. Maybe I will just say we don't want to get married then people will leave us alone! I know Sami loves me and I love him so when we're both ready we'll do it. 

We had 6 friends get married last year and at each wedding we got the 'Oooh you's two next' talk and it did make me think why hasn't Sami proposed to me yet? He doesn't love me! I told him how I felt and he said I was being silly. He told me he just didn't feel ready for marriage yet. Something clicked in my brain and I thought 'Ok that's fine'. I'd never, ever want to pressurise him into something he wasn't ready for. I'm happy to let Sami come to the decision on his own when he is ready. 

Then we'll get married and it will be 'When are you having kids?' That will be fun. I might just make the person asking feel as uncomfortable as I do and say well actually we might not be able to! 

The Lupus pregnancy specialist explained to me that when you have Lupus its regarded as a high risk pregnancy, he warned me of increased flare ups, miscarriages and complications but he said its not impossible so I'm holding on to that. Sami and I discussed it all and we decided when we are ready we will try for a baby and see what happens but until then we are not going to worry about something that hasn't happened. You never know, it could all be fine, we will have to wait and see - I'm thinking positively about it so hopefully that will help.  The doctor did scare me a bit though. He told me about one lady who had 12 miscarriages before successfully having a healthy baby. Wow. I'm not sure I could mentally go through that let alone  physically. Fair play to her for not giving up but what kind of impact does that have on your partner? And your relationship? 

Sami and I have even discussed adoption. Wow, the process is tough! They even interview ex boyfriends and girlfriends. How awkward! Its good to be thorough I guess.

Its mad because growing up you think you will get a good job, get married and have babies. Lupus has forced me to give up my job and may possibly destroy my chances of having children. It was hard to process initially and I've cried a lot of tears but no ones life is perfect. We all have challenges to face and these are mine. I'll face them head on with the strength and courage I have recently discovered I have.

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