19 Nov 2013

A new perspective

Owwwwww! Motherfuckermotherfuckermotherfucker!!! Owwwwww!! Jesus Christ Almighty!

Yeah I'm in pain.  I woke up feeling rather good this morning (weird considering how shite I felt yesterday) anyway so I made Sami and I porridge for breakfast, did some housework and thought 'Hmm I'll go for a walk, may as well get some exercise and fresh air.'  So that's what I did and now I'm in fecking agony. 

I needed to pick something up from the post office so thought that's a good excuse for a long walk (1 hour there and back) but half way I started to hurt and by the time I got there I was a mess.  It was like my hips froze (they probably did, it's freezing out today) and I literally couldn't walk.  I stopped by a wall and tried to regain some strength (and probably looked like a right weirdo) whilst some white-van-man tried to chat me up.  He obviously didn't realise I'm a 90 year old in disguise of a 28 year old!  After a few mins I managed to walk again, I got to the post office in one piece and managed to walk back home - not really sure why I didn't just get a bus! Idiot.  I'm currently sitting on the sofa nearly in tears with the pain.  I've got pain all over my body now.  I actually can't remember the last time I could walk longer than ten minutes without being in severe pain.  I really hope its because it's cold and not because my Lupus is getting worse.  That's what I'll tell myself for now anyway.

I've got washing to hang up, ironing to do and I'd like to hoover but right now that aint happening! Grrrr.  
Lupus is so restrictive! I also really want to do that 30 day squat challenge but I'll probably do one day and be on my back for 5.  I've tried so many times to get into an exercise routine and it will all be going well for a week or 2 and then I get ill and it all goes down the pan.  Before Lupus I used to go to the gym 4 times a week and sometimes twice in one day.  Now I can just about walk up a flight of stairs!  I shouldn't bang on about it though - someone once said to me not to dwell on what life was like before Lupus.  I suppose there's no point really as I can't go back to that time.  I just have to accept that this is my life now.
Yep my life now is getting half way to the post office and needing a zimmer frame, not being able to do more than one thing a day, needing to sleep all the time, having to take shitloads of pills because if I don't I will die, whinging in a blog, sitting around in my onesie watching Jeremy Kyle instead of going to work, stuffing my face with chocolate out of boredom and then moaning about being overweight, losing weight and then having to go on a course of steroids and putting it all back on again, living with pain all the time, constantly letting my friends and family down because I'm too tired to do stuff, constantly feeling guilty, being in so much pain I have to crawl to get around the flat,....Oh how I love my new life! Yes, lets not dwell on how great my life was before!  Fucks sake.

Don't worry, I know, I'm being melodramatic - it's not all bad.  Lupus is shit, there's no denying that but I get on with it, I've turned it into something positive with this blog, I know it helps others and that makes me feel great.  It's also made me realise how much I love writing and has given me the kick up the arse I needed to write a book.  One day I will be a successful author and I will laugh  in the face of Lupus Muharharhar!!!

Lupus has also given me more confidence (in a weird way) because it's made me realise how strong I am as a person.  I never let it get me down, well, I have the odd day but overall I stay positive even though most days I am suffering with severe pain, aches, tiredness etc.  I do what I want to do now and not what people expect of me.  I live by my rules.  If it doesn't make me happy I don't do it. Simple as that.  Lupus has given me a very different perspective on life and I like my new perspective because  I am so grateful for the little things and I never take anything granted, least of all my health.

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