25 Nov 2013

Meh. Just Meh.

Thursday 21st November 2013

Today has been tough man. I've been in so much pain to the point where I can hardly walk. Fucking Lupus. Fucking fibromyalgia. Fucking fuck.

I woke up, got in the bath and couldn't wash my hair because I couldn't get my hands up over my head but luckily I had a hair appointment with Janet who is Sami's Mum's friend and colleague. She did some hi-lites for me and washed it afterwards (lovely) and Sami's mum (Viki) blow dried it. Viki could tell I wasn't right today so asked her husband Chris to drop me home afterwards which was nice. I got in, got straight back into my onesie and got into bed!

I'm feeling incredibly exhausted and my muscles feel like they've been pulled and torn. I cried for about an hour last night - I guess it all got a bit much. The tiredness is overwhelming sometimes and being in pain all of the time can wear you down and eventually I cracked and I cried...For absolutely ages. I had a great nights sleep though!

I was still feeling down and sorry for myself today when my best friend text me with good news to say I could go and work in her office one day a week as her assistant. We'd been talking about it for a while and she approached her boss to discuss it all and he agreed! I don't think I could manage more than one day at the moment but it will be so nice to get out of the flat for a day. Also it won't effect my benefits as I'm working less than 16 hours a week so that's an added bonus.

Its funny because Sil actually got me my first ever 'proper' job and strangely it was ten years ago exactly - 21st November 2003! She worked at RBS and had been there a few months when I mentioned I was looking for work and luckily they had an opening and I got the job. We worked together for 3 years until I moved on to work for The Dulwich Estate which is where I met Sami. We've come full circle after 10 years and we'll be working together again. I'm really looking forward to it and a bit of extra money won't go a miss. I'm starting next week! Yipeee!

I suppose today wasn't a completely shite day.

Sunday 24th November

Wow, I just read the above and I do moan a lot! But in my defence I'd had a particularly bad week.  I'm not sure what's going on but I've lost my confidence of late. I've just been feeling really low like in the obvious way with being in pain and stuff but also really low about myself. I feel like I look as shit as I feel! I've got spots which I never get, I feel fatter than usual and I just generally feel rough. Thank God I had my hair hi-lighted otherwise I'd have felt a whole lot worse. Maybe I'm just being silly I dunno. Its weird because I don't usually feel shite about myself. I mean I know I'm not the prettiest or slimmest person in the world but I'm comfortable in my (pale) skin and when I look in the mirror I'm not usually horrified by I what I see, but lately, well, I am. Ok maybe that's slightly OTT but I'm not happy.

All this wasn't helped by the fact that I went bridesmaid dress shopping on Saturday for Ela's wedding and it transpires I'm a size 14. Now, there's nothing wrong with a size 14 at all but when you look in the mirror and think of yourself as a size 12 and find out you're not, that's not good. So not only have I been feeling bigger it turns out I AM bigger. I've never been a size 14 before and when I met Sami I was a size 6! Size 6! I've put on quite a lot of weight over the years! Now I'm doubly depressed! I've got the opposite of anorexia - I see a slimmer person in the mirror!

I actually just want to hide for the whole of the winter. This is bollocks.

Monday 25th November

Omg! A month until Christmas!!!! Ahhhh!!!

I'm still feeling shit but I won't go on about it. I've decided I'm going to do something about it instead so now I'm on a diet. Yep, a shitty, boring, no fun, makes you want to cry diet. Is it just a coincidence the word die is in diet? Sigh. I had cereal for breakfast, a cuppa soup for lunch and prawn and veg stir-fry for dinner and wow I feel like I'm fecking starving!!! I like food too much!!! The aim is to lose about 20lbs and I'm going to aim for 2lbs a week as I hear that's the healthy way to do it. Although, I do wish I could just wake up skinny. And with long hair. Never mind.

I've just ordered a hula hoop as they're meant to be great for flattening the tummy area and trimming down your waist. I'm going to try and do it for ten mins every day. I'll be in body-con dresses in no time.

Did I tell you I did the lottery the other day? I genuinely thought 'this is it, I'm gonna be a millionaire!' I'm not. I didn't even get one number. I don't know why but I always think I'm going to win. Mugs game. Not doing it anymore.

Well I don't really have anything else to moan about so I'm gonna go to bed and try not to think about the biscuits in the biscuit tin or the halloumi in the fridge or the lovely salt and vinegar crisps in the cupboard. Oh no.

Na-nights Xxx

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