Positive Vibes and Mung Beans

Wednesday 14th January 2015

Shit! It's 2015! How the hell did that happen? Well I have some very good news (makes a nice change huh?) I had a routine appointment at the Lupus Unit on Friday (it used to be at St Thomas' Hospital in London and to be honest it was a bit run down but it's moved to Guys now and it's all shiny and new) anyway, I had my appointment and the doctor told me that all my blood tests (all 16) from my last appointment have come back perfect.  Yep, perfect! No dodgy things happening whatsoever. I have a normal cell count, my organs are functioning as they should, I have no inflammation and basically, I am ALL GOOD BABY! I was quite shocked to be honest but I have been really well for ages now so I guess that's why.  Lupus is fully in remission - I kicked that shit to the curb! Faye 1-0 Lupus. Mu har har har!! 

On a less positive note, (sorry) the doctor told me to take Aspirin everyday from now on as I have a high risk of having a stroke. Nice. It's very odd to be told at 29 years old you are likely to have a stroke unless you take precautions.  But hey ho! Nowt you can do about it, just listen to the doctors and don't worry about unless it actually happens.

Ooooh I have more good news - I started a new part-time job in Waitrose a couple of weeks ago and I am absolutely LOVING it!  To be honest I've wanted to work there for a ages.  When I was full-time and struggling to cope I wanted to apply for a part time job but then I deteriorated even more and couldn't work at all.  Once I'd taken time out, my health improved drastically and I felt ready to work again so worked one day a week with my bestie but I found the travelling and 9-5.30 day took it out of me and when I was planning the wedding it was all a bit much so I decided to stop.  Once the wedding was over I felt a lot better and more able to concentrate on other things so I started working in a friend's shop which I really enjoy and I'm hoping to continue doing so but I still liked the idea of working in Waitrose - it's a ten minute walk down the road, I like shopping in there and I love food/cooking and talking to people so it's a no brainer really!

I went online before Christmas and they had a Supermarket Assistant role going for Tuesdays and Fridays working from 11am-3pm. Perfect! So after doing the online application (which involves phsychometric tests) I got through the first round and was invited to a group interview with 7 others after which we had a 1:1 interview and were told we'd be contacted within a couple of weeks.  I was also made aware there were actually 2 jobs going, the 11am-3pm one and a night shift from 12am-8am. They asked me if I'd be open to that and I said yes (thinking that if I got it, I'd do it for a while and then hopefully change my hours once I'd got my foot in the door) they also told us the contract is only 3 months which is disappointing but a jobs a job at the end of the day!  Anyway I had a call 2 days later and they said they'd given those jobs to 2 of the others but they had an opening for a job behind the counters (meat, fish, deli, cheese etc) she asked if I'd like that and obviously I said yes, the only drawback is that its working Saturday morning and Sundays but again, I wasn't going to turn it down.  

So yeah, I started a couple of weeks ago and even though I didn't get the job I applied for, I think I've ended up with a better job as I am enjoying it so much.  There is so much to learn! For the first few days I was on the Meat and Fish counter and I learnt how to gut and skin fish, I also learnt a lot about different cuts of meat and how to cook different things and I've loved chatting with customers.  I'm looking forward to getting to the point where I can recommend products and recipes.  Then the other day I moved on to the deli and cheese counter which I also enjoyed - who knew there were sooooo many cheeses and salamis?
I've been doing overtime too which is nice - they have a sheet up with any extra hours going and you can choose which days you fancy doing, which is perfect for me, because if I'm feeling tired after my weekend shifts I don't have to do any other days but if I'm feeling OK then I can stick my name down.  I feel like it's the perfect job for me and the situation I am in.  I'd love to become one of their cheese or fish specialists or an advisor but it's only a temporary contract so I don't know if that will happen. One of the managers told me they are all really happy with me and he said he knows a good'n when he sees one and I'm a good'n. So that was good to hear. And I think I'm doing well with the customers - well, one sang to me the other day! Haha! And a few others have said nice things so I think I'm doing quite well so far.  Hopefully they decide to keep me on!

Not a bad start to 2015! 

After 3 months of marriage I can't tell you the amount of times people have asked when we are going to start a family. Grrr! Personally I think it's a very rude question to ask - especially someone with health issues like me.  In January 2013 we were told not to even consider trying for a baby because I was too unwell.  I was told my risk of miscarriage was extremely high especially later on in the pregnancy (grim isn't it?) however, all is well now and I've been told I am all good to go ahead (although I am still at a higher risk of miscarriage but not as high as before). At my appointment on Friday, the doc asked me how old I am and when I said 29 he gave me a leaflet regarding pregnancy and Lupus and practically told me to go home and get on it! I explained I've just got a new job and we only live in a small flat (on the 5th floor) so it aint happening just yet and to be really honest, I don't think Sami or I are ready - we are having too much fun!  However, it's no secret that I am extremely broody and have recently taken up the habit of welling up at cute babies but I am not ready yet.  I think the plan is for me to have a permanent job then we can sell the flat and buy a small house/bigger flat and then we might think about it. But for now, it's not on the agenda. If one more person asks I don't know how polite I will be.  Oh, and, 'How's married life?' Its the same! Nothing has changed! Nothing! Apart from my surname! Oh and the fact that Sami can't run away so easily now but that's it! Lord give me strength.

In other news, Mum and I have started Yoga and Pilates.  Mum has a heart condition and you know all about me with Lupus etc so we thought it would be a good idea.  We had our first session last week and both really enjoyed it.  I think I said in a recent Facebook status that I was hoping to get all 'Zen and bendy' but the next day I was feckin banjaxed! I was stiff as a board and couldn't laugh without it hurting my 'core' haha, not quite the image I had in my head.  In my head I was all floaty and softly spoken in a pretty kaftan with weird beads around my wrist. In reality I was walking around like John Wayne and making old people noises whenever I sat down or got up.  Hmmm maybe the bendy zen will come in time.

There's a Facebook thing going around at the moment where you change your profile pic to the first ever one you had.  Wow, I did not like doing it, it made me realise I've aged quite a bit in the last 8 years! I was like shit! I need to go get me some expensive anti-wrinkle cream that has words all over the packaging like 'amino peptide complex'.  I was feeling really shit but then I went to work and a colleague was shocked I was married and said I didn't look old enough. This made me extremely happy. Then I went to buy some wine (cos you know, I was sad about my crows feet) and the guy ID'd me.  This made me feel better and the wine became a celebratory bottle as opposed to a commiseration bottle. Perhaps I'm not so decrepit after all.

This has been quite a long post hasn't it? I hope I haven't waffled too much! I'm not at work today so thought I'd so something rather than just sit there watching Frasier.  I'm not planning on doing much else today though - I worked Saturday, Sunday, Monday and yesterday so its time to chill today.  It's quite nice now that I'm working I can relax guilt free. I always felt so bad before when I did nothing all day. I know I was ill but you still feel bad when your husband comes home knackered from working hard all day and you're there in yesterday's pyjamas with unwashed hair and all you've achieved is finishing the Sex and the City boxset (for the fiftieth time) but now I can have a day off without it being coloured in guilt.

Right now to do some hula hooping - I'm back on it after looking at old profile pics! Not only do I feel old but I also feel like a big fatty boofta. In my head I'm a 15 stone 60 year old. Hahaha. No point whinging about it - gonna go get some over-priced cream with complicated ingredients, do some hooping and get some mung beans for my post-yoga lunch tomorrow. Or Quinoa? Oh, something nutritious and weird.  And then I'm blatantly gonna be starving and binge on fried chicken and carbs! Loads of carbs! I'm really not cut out for this eat-clean shite. Eat chocolate and be happy. People on strict diets are so boring and highly annoying.  One of the those e-card things hit the nail on the head with 'No one likes a skinny, sober bitch anyway.'

On that note, I'm off.  Happy New Year to you all - I sincerely hope 2015 is a good one. xxxx

Meh. Just Meh.

Thursday 21st November 2013

Today has been tough man. I've been in so much pain to the point where I can hardly walk. Fucking Lupus. Fucking fibromyalgia. Fucking fuck.

I woke up, got in the bath and couldn't wash my hair because I couldn't get my hands up over my head but luckily I had a hair appointment with Janet who is Sami's Mum's friend and colleague. She did some hi-lites for me and washed it afterwards (lovely) and Sami's mum (Viki) blow dried it. Viki could tell I wasn't right today so asked her husband Chris to drop me home afterwards which was nice. I got in, got straight back into my onesie and got into bed!

I'm feeling incredibly exhausted and my muscles feel like they've been pulled and torn. I cried for about an hour last night - I guess it all got a bit much. The tiredness is overwhelming sometimes and being in pain all of the time can wear you down and eventually I cracked and I cried...For absolutely ages. I had a great nights sleep though!

I was still feeling down and sorry for myself today when my best friend text me with good news to say I could go and work in her office one day a week as her assistant. We'd been talking about it for a while and she approached her boss to discuss it all and he agreed! I don't think I could manage more than one day at the moment but it will be so nice to get out of the flat for a day. Also it won't effect my benefits as I'm working less than 16 hours a week so that's an added bonus.

Its funny because Sil actually got me my first ever 'proper' job and strangely it was ten years ago exactly - 21st November 2003! She worked at RBS and had been there a few months when I mentioned I was looking for work and luckily they had an opening and I got the job. We worked together for 3 years until I moved on to work for The Dulwich Estate which is where I met Sami. We've come full circle after 10 years and we'll be working together again. I'm really looking forward to it and a bit of extra money won't go a miss. I'm starting next week! Yipeee!

I suppose today wasn't a completely shite day.

Sunday 24th November

Wow, I just read the above and I do moan a lot! But in my defence I'd had a particularly bad week.  I'm not sure what's going on but I've lost my confidence of late. I've just been feeling really low like in the obvious way with being in pain and stuff but also really low about myself. I feel like I look as shit as I feel! I've got spots which I never get, I feel fatter than usual and I just generally feel rough. Thank God I had my hair hi-lighted otherwise I'd have felt a whole lot worse. Maybe I'm just being silly I dunno. Its weird because I don't usually feel shite about myself. I mean I know I'm not the prettiest or slimmest person in the world but I'm comfortable in my (pale) skin and when I look in the mirror I'm not usually horrified by I what I see, but lately, well, I am. Ok maybe that's slightly OTT but I'm not happy.

All this wasn't helped by the fact that I went bridesmaid dress shopping on Saturday for Ela's wedding and it transpires I'm a size 14. Now, there's nothing wrong with a size 14 at all but when you look in the mirror and think of yourself as a size 12 and find out you're not, that's not good. So not only have I been feeling bigger it turns out I AM bigger. I've never been a size 14 before and when I met Sami I was a size 6! Size 6! I've put on quite a lot of weight over the years! Now I'm doubly depressed! I've got the opposite of anorexia - I see a slimmer person in the mirror!

I actually just want to hide for the whole of the winter. This is bollocks.

Monday 25th November

Omg! A month until Christmas!!!! Ahhhh!!!

I'm still feeling shit but I won't go on about it. I've decided I'm going to do something about it instead so now I'm on a diet. Yep, a shitty, boring, no fun, makes you want to cry diet. Is it just a coincidence the word die is in diet? Sigh. I had cereal for breakfast, a cuppa soup for lunch and prawn and veg stir-fry for dinner and wow I feel like I'm fecking starving!!! I like food too much!!! The aim is to lose about 20lbs and I'm going to aim for 2lbs a week as I hear that's the healthy way to do it. Although, I do wish I could just wake up skinny. And with long hair. Never mind.

I've just ordered a hula hoop as they're meant to be great for flattening the tummy area and trimming down your waist. I'm going to try and do it for ten mins every day. I'll be in body-con dresses in no time.

Did I tell you I did the lottery the other day? I genuinely thought 'this is it, I'm gonna be a millionaire!' I'm not. I didn't even get one number. I don't know why but I always think I'm going to win. Mugs game. Not doing it anymore.

Well I don't really have anything else to moan about so I'm gonna go to bed and try not to think about the biscuits in the biscuit tin or the halloumi in the fridge or the lovely salt and vinegar crisps in the cupboard. Oh no.

Na-nights Xxx

Guilty Pleasures....

Friday 6 September 2013

Doctor says to me recently, 'Faye you are so lucky not to have the lupus butterfly rash on your face.' 
I replied through gritted teeth, 'Yep! I'm soooo lucky to have lupus but not the rash. Lupus is wonderful.'

What I should have said is, 'And YOU'RE so lucky I don't throat punch you.'

Don't you just love doctors? I could dedicate a blog solely to the idiotic things doctors say.

For those non-lupies who aren't aware, the lupus butterfly rash (or Malar Rash) is a very common symptom of Lupus and is a rash across the nose and cheeks that can resemble the outline of a butterfly.  I think about 80% of people with Lupus have it during a flare up or at some point in their lupus life.  I guess I am fortunate not to have it but at the same time I suffer like hell so wouldn't really count myself as lucky.

Anyway so yesterday started off good then went from bad to worse. The day turned on me like some kind of evil traitor.  By 8pm I was knackered and felt like the walking dead. By 9pm I was ready to commit suicide. Ok, maybe not that bad but I felt pretty dire. 

After dinner I felt really sick, like to the point where my mouth was watering; my body was preparing itself for vomiting... I was trying to watch New Girl but all I could think was 'I need to puke. I need to puke. I need to puke' I think I eat too fast because I was so hungry. And I won't lie, I am greedy.  When the sick feeling finally subsided I began to ache and the aching progressed into quite severe muscle and joint pain until I was unable to straighten my arms out. I was in agony but s'my fault for over-doing it - you'd think I'd learn by now wouldn't you? Nope. I did so much housework and I shouldn't have. Naughty Faye. Clean things make me happy though, dust and dirt makes me sad. Poor Faye. 

Today I am feeling quite awful (muscles are burning, I feel so stiff its like rigor mortis is setting in and I'm soooo, so, so tired. Maybe I am actually dead) so I shall therefore mostly be doing Jack Diddly Squit - I've only been out of bed for 2 days this week! I am going to relax allllll day long with chocolate and daytime TV. Although, I really can't stand the amateur hosts/TV presenters daytime TV chunders out.  Where do they find these halfwits?

Oh gosh, there's a new programme on at the moment with Jane McDonald or Jane McHair as I like to call her (have you seen the hairstyles on it? Wow. I want to ask her if she's aware the 1960's puked up on her head) well she goes around to different work places surprising employees (who have been selected by their boss) with a makeover and slap-up meal. Nice idea but its absolute junk. Firstly, Jane McHair is seriously lacking charisma and secondly, what about the other poor sods in the office who weren't chosen? Talk about cause beef in the office. I feel sorry for the sados who didn't quite make the cut whilst Betty O'Igivethebossblowjobs gets picked and has a lovely day off.  
It winds me up, yet I've watched it 3 times this week. I just can't keep my eyes off Jane's head. If you don't know who she is here is a pic for you:

This is my life now; Lupus flare ups and trying to dodge the worst daytime TV shows, or watching them and ripping the shit out of them. 

Dinner Date is another fave one of mine to rip the shite out of (in between all the cringing and hiding behind my hands). If you've never seen it, I suggest you watch it. Its hilarious - not because its supposed to be though. Its basically about 3 desperate people (either desperate to be on TV, desperate for a shag or desperate for a life partner. Or all of the above) who cook dinner for 1 person (this person goes to all 3 people's homes for a dinner date. The cooks try to impress their date in order to be chosen to go to a posh restaurant for the next date where the women all obviously want a husband to fertilise their depleting eggs and the men just want to get their leg over.  
Amidst all the desperation you also have a nice mix of awkward silences, kitchen novices and cringe worthy flirting. Amazing. Even Sami watches it and takes the piss with me. He never watches 'girly' programmes but this one is an exception. 

So, those are my guilty pleasures. As well as shitey magazines with stories like 'I grew a new head and it gave birth.' I also secretly enjoy buying expensive make-up I don't need that won't, despite what it says, give me a new face and eating cheese straight from the packet. On its own. No crackers, bread, nothing. Just a lump of cheese. Oooh and I enjoy cereal for dinner sometimes.

So I'm not sure where I was going with any of this? I've just ended up going off on a bit of a tangent...erm yeah so today I'm going to watch and read shite, avoid McHair if I can and try and refrain from buying Chanel foundation that claims to be a face transplant in a bottle. 

I might just go into a pain killer haze and that way I won't care what's on TV. Maybe I should take painkillers in order to stomach the daytime bile inducing poppycock? Either way we'll all be winners. #winning

Now, where did I leave my tramadol?

I'm Not a Drama Queen! Well, Maybe a Drama Princess

Here I am writing me blog from my bed again. =o( Not at work today. I woke up with the intention of going in but when I tried to move I decided gettin up wasn't a happenin today. My joints were saying (in their Samuel L Jackson voice) “Bitch! You aint going NO WHERE today! You staying in this bed and you gon' freakin chill!”

The voice of my joints - 

I woke up around 6 times in the night to go to the loo which is a bit annoying so on top of being in pain I'm knackered, oh and I've got a sore throat and a runny nose.  I've been waking up a few times to go to the toilet for the past few nights now. I'm hoping there is nothing wrong with my kidneys as the kidneys are the most commonly affected organ in lupus. Around half of people with systemic lupus will have some kind of kidney damage (usually within the first 5 years) so hopefully mine are alright. I had blood tests on Monday so they'll let me know if anything dodge is going on. Could just be a water infection.  

My doc did say a year or so ago that he believes my lupus to be confined to the joints and doesn't suspect I will have any organ involvement...I hope he's right. 

I don't have much to say today (for once) I'm just tired and fed up really. I did manage to change the duvet covers yesterday so at least I'm in a nice fresh bed. Mmmm. 

Not sure what to do with myself. I'm looking around thinking, 'Ooh I could clean the bathroom cabinet or, 'I could do the huge pile of ironing'. 
I need to stop and learn to relax! I just feel guilty lying here doing nothing. I know I'm unwell and need to rest but its hard to accept, especially as I'm only in my 20's. I feel like I should be having the time of my life not lying in bed like an empty shell. 

Do you know I'm typing this out on my phone then I'm gonna copy and paste into my blog. I couldn't be bothered to go to the next room to get the laptop. It will use too much of my precious energy! Sounds so bad to a normal person but I bet my fellow lupies are nodding and agreeing with this! You know what its like. 

I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes I even consider wetting the bed (don't worry I've never actually done it) but when you're in bed, sooooo exhausted and in agony you just can't be bothered to move and you're desperate for a wee you lie there and for a few mad seconds you think, 'I could just wee here?' 

I was talking about this with a fellow lupie yesterday - she brought it up and I was like, oh my god, yes! I do the same thing! That is how exhausted lupus can make you feel. 

I don't know why lupus causes such bad fatigue. I don't think the experts even know so I can't shed any light on that one!

Writing this has worn me out! Back to sleep for me. At least in my dreams I am pain free. Oh wow how dramatic does that sound!?! It wasn't supposed to! I'm not that much of a drama queen. I'm more of a drama princess. Ooh I like that one!

Right as I'm starting to waffle its time for me to call it a day. Na-nights my lovely readers. Hope you all have a great day. Xxxx