You can't have the rainbow without a little rain

Obviously, when you have been a healthy person your whole life and one day you are diagnosed with a life-long and shitty illness a lot of things change and you enter a whole new world.  In my case I've entered a world where you appreciate everyday that you're able to get out of bed.  Just now I was really enjoying doing the washing up (I know!) because the hot water felt good on my stiff hands! AND it felt great that I was able to do the washing up.  Yipppeee!

Since entering this weird new world I have found a lot of things to be very strange indeed. For instance I remember being amazed that I have an illness that has a charity.  A charity. People actually jump out of planes and shit to help people with Lupus. Wow.

Another thing that is really weird, is even after two years I still find it difficult to swallow a tablet. 

Its so stupid.  I put it in my mouth and have a little argument with myself, "Go on! swallow it you twonk!" Then I'll go. "I can't! I'm scared!"  I almost have to pluck up the guts to do it.  This is EVERY night with all 12 tablets.  It takes ages.  Sami just looks at me like, "What are you doing you weirdo?"

Do you know he says I'm the weirdest person he knows.  He said I'm weirder than Sheldon off The Big Bang Theory.  That's just rude.  I'm not weird....Am I?

I remember being so sad that I'd never have a natural tan again.  For those that aren't aware, Lupus symptoms can be exacerbated by the sun and people with lupus can become very unwell after UV exposure.  Something to do with the sun making the cells move faster and triggering a lupus flare.  Skin rashes can flare up too.  So its factor 50 and the shade for me nowadays.

I decided to get a spray tan last summer to try and make myself feel better.  I will NEVER ever get one again.  It was so bad that when Sami saw me he actually screamed.

The salon is a good 20 min walk from home and I RAN all the way.  People were staring at me and one little girl said, "Mummy why did that lady paint herself?" I was BLACK.  So not a good look for a white English/Irish girl with fair hair.  I wish I still had the pic to show you but sadly I don't.

Those are just some of the odd things, I'm sure there are many more.

I do actually think I'm a nicer person now. Not that I was a horrible person before but I can certainly empathise more with people who have shit to deal with.  But then on the other hand, I'm a lot less tolerant   of (annoying) people.  Such as people who have no real problems at all that just moan and moan for no reason, I want to punch them.  I just wish I could say 'GO AWAY!'

BUT people who have never really experienced tough times do not understand how lucky they are.  So they don't realise how douchey they sound.

I remember when I used to have my hair done, if it wasn't perfect I would go MENTAL. Like 2 year old tantrum stylie.  Then when I was on the Azathioprine and my hair went really thin and started coming out I said to myself I will never moan about my hair again.  And I haven't.  But it took that for me to realise how stupid I was being.  People that moan about their hair as well. Ohmygod. I understand that they don't realise but still, sort it out will you.

So what I'm trying to say is that you can't have the rainbow without a little rain.  You need the shitty bits in life to make you realise how fortunate you actually are and to appreciate the good things.  Stop and smell the roses people.  They smell goooood!

I've used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead

After my marathon sleep sesh yesterday I woke up for a wee while, had dinner, wrote some shit and got back into bed.  Come 'normal' bed time I was still knackered despite having slept most of the day. However, sleep was not something I got much of last night. 

Our neighbours decided to have the biggest argument ever. It sounded like two guys and a girl. One of the guys was crying and screamed so loud, I've never heard anything like it. We've lived here 3 yrs and never had any issues whatsoever. Then these douches moved in about 6 months ago. We usually hear them doing it as opposed to arguing and I'm sure there are too many of them in that flat as well. Not sure. Will keep our eyes open.  Haha! Well Sami will and I'll try to keep them open longer than half an hour! Lols.

So I woke up this morning, even more exhausted, in pain all over and a thumping head ache, like those ones where it hurts to open your eyes. I called in sick which makes me feel really guilty but I would be no use today.  I hate it, I felt like saying to my boss, 'Hi, sorry I've used up all my sick days this year so I'm calling in dead.'    I saw that quote on one of those ee cards once and I thought I'm defo using that one!

I couldn't have gone in today I'm half asleep writing this and typing is hard work, I keep forgetting how to spell stuff and my hands are really stiff. Sami took one look at me this morning and just said no, you've got to stay here today. So here I am, writing this from my bed again. 

I need to find the energy to change the duvet covers - I sweated like a beast last night. Sorry for the gory details but these night sweats are horrendous. Once the arguing stopped and I finally got to sleep, I woke up about 4 times, each time soaked. Even my hair was wet. So gross. I asked the doc about these night sweats and he just said its one of those lupus things. Lovely. Sami goes to hug me in the night and soon changes his mind! Lol poor bloke. We shouldn't laugh but sometimes you have to. 

As I've been in bed for the past few days I've obviously had a lot of time to look out the window and I thought this view last night was particularly lovely: 

Definitely got to appreciate the small things in life. 

Hopefully a nice rest today will allow me to go to work tomorrow.  I don't want to spend another day in bed. Its boring. Oh crapety crap, I am going to be sooo bored when I leave work in a few weeks....however it has to be done so I'll just have to get on with it and try and find a way to enjoy doing nothing for a bit.  

Thank god I enjoy writing, it gives me something to do! I didn't realise how much I love it until I started doing this blog. I love talking so I guess it makes sense to love writing too!

Its been an amazing form of therapy. I can just get all my feelings off my chest and go about my day without thinking about it all. I highly recommend it. 

Right, I'm going to attempt to get in the bath now then I'm going to change the bed sheets, take some tramadol and sleeeeeep. Mmmmm I love the feeling of fresh bed sheets. 

I hope you all have a great day. Xx